Text Box:    By Cynthia DiSciullo and William Zigmont

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET 

 

EXCERPT:  Anysnaky, Merlin slapped him a low one and Nate was left with the fate of Hamlet before him.

All was well for about a week, then the casket began to leak, oops, that is another tale, but trouble was looming for Nate.

Little Books Parody

 

 

LITTLE BOOKS SERIES OF FEGHOOTS AND GROANERS

~a collection of  an  irreverent and humorous  parody of 

fairy tales~

 Remember the Fractured Fairytales of Rocky and Bullwinkle?  Many of our canard tales are a homage to that style.  Parody.  False Tales. Stories.

The parody blanketed in its feeble and oft ridiculous effort to imitate a style or part of another author’s work for the purpose of comic effect has been a staple in writing.  The idea of touching something others can connect to, yet poking that pointer finger at the ribs of the readers, why, to tickle, silly.

These stories are sometimes called Shaggy Dog Stories or Feghoots.  They are irreverent dances with inane frivolity, oft pointless and having absurd punch lines.  The use of puns is almost a must.

The play of words with Spooneristic styling as the design, many of our yarns are built in a like-lab that created Mr. Peabody’s Improbable History.

We hope you find our Groaners entertaining and maybe gently thought provoking.

As noted this work is a parody.  Many of the stories may or may not be familiar, a few are found in the public domain, but we hope our slant placed upon them is unique.

 

ENJOY!

Since all book covers are alike except for the tiles, please choose your entertainment by excerpt and title.

THE BOOKS ARE A PARODY INTENDED FOR ADULTS ONLY.

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  2

 

EXCERPT:  Three weeks earlier many of the Clique, the cool gals of Hamlet, went to that fancy-dancy HOTEL THRILLBILLY IF YOU MUST.  It was a place out in the Sticks, a subdivision of the Woods of Hamlet, where they hoped to maybe meet a nerd.  Nerds were cool boasted Ariel as if she had one.

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  3

 

EXCERPT:  Nevertheless, they put their weirdly shaved heads together, nay, not to slow dance but to dribble ideas off the other’s backboard.  One suggested a cookbook, How to Stew, Fry, Roast, Bake, Stuff and Dress a Rabbit, but the Association of the Bugs Bunny Enthusiast and Ear Wax Collectors protested.

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  4

 

EXCERPT:  So, aye, Po might have said something to this ignorant Panda sot, but Po at that very moment was handling a special noodle for a special client.  And, nay, we weren’t talking at all about the pasta variety.  (Well, maybe you did know)  Anyshatters, the maitre d’ slash owners’s son, being a lifelong native of Camelot figured he’d seen stranger things.

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  9

 

EXCERPT:  After being unable to get Friday to wear any clothes or leaves or perfectly sized clamshells (Friday took an extra small) to cover his junk he decided to rename his fried, Casual Friday.  (Ha-ha!)

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  5

 

EXCERPT:  Was that going too far in personality assignation?  Probably with anyone else, but Subb was a unique breed and marched to the beat of his own band.  Aye, he had a marching band that was part of every parade south of Hamlet.  They were called, Blow Ye Own Horn Toe Tappers and Horse Dung Shoverlers.

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  8

 

EXCERPT:  D. D. Doppleganler was a remarkable monster.  She had glistening scales and huge watery glazed soulful eyes, a soft hesitatnt voice, yet she wasn’t one to be messed with, no way, no how, not even on a date.  Which brings us to her first and middle names.  Double Dare, which her Momo named her cause everyone thought Momo’s hubby married her on a double dare.

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  6

 

EXCERPT:  Billy Ken, a known troll and imp of the reKingihting by Hector the Protector, had gained weight, wealth and position.  He couldn’t help the former for he was a man of huge appetite.  He prked his way through many a lass...errr, meant lass’ kitchen.  He liked pork mostly and would et almost the whole thing himself.

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  7

 

EXCERPT:  The nunnery had many parties, and all the balloons were blown individually, and into many shapes, long hot dog style, short and pudgy, but all, no matter the size was blown very hard until it was about to pop, and some did.

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  10

 

EXCERPT:  Heckle and Jeckle few to the village clock of Hamlet.  It was a daily routine for them.  They enjoyed flying over the coo-coo in the clock and razing the little wooden faux bird, calling him Woody no Pecker.

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  11

 

EXCERPT:  The explorers chuckled to themselves at the natives’ superstitions and the safari moved on.  Everyone who has seen any b movie knows that their cavalier attitude was about to come back and bite them in the arse.  (Cliché works)

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  12

 

EXCERPT:  Moving forward, the brothers had a meeting.  Aye, they oft did that, meet and greet, and food and drink, spark and bark sort of meeting.  Any chance to guzzle a bit of grog was a good day for the brothers.  Fancy that!

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  13

 

EXCERPT:  A guy, Gull A. Bull was oxcarting around the back woods of Redneck, southwest of Hamlet.  Redneck was so named for the, oh so many, young gals that lived there, each having red hair draping their necks and were dramatically top heavy with massive kahunas.

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  14

 

EXCERPT:  Aye, he was into lane walkers.  Not to be confused with planeswalker.  That has to do with the powerful battle wizards from Wizers, Toots and Burps School of Improvement and Bean Factory.  Although Jack once attended said school, he dropped out.  He couldn’t go the distance when wizzing, though tooted to clear the room

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  15a

 

EXCERPT:  Benny Goodmond Didn’t think anything spectacular would happen on this particular eve after he finished conducting his big bang.  Aye, spelled correctly, he always had a self-manipulated quickie before going grogging, (Get it?) so he wouldn’t erupt too quickly just in case he got Lucky… Lucky Bilbous… oft made Benny... erupt in anger.

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  15

 

EXCERPT:  Anytrollin’, he really would have liked to dance but just didn’t have the nerve to ask anyone.  Well, this was not completely true, he practiced moves and got into his groove with his shadow being reflected of the mirror ball.  Did he have any moves?  He was more suited to be a chair dancer, seated doing the hand jive.

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  16

 

EXCERPT:  Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic’s lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside.  Which was better because the fake grass he had as carpet was harder to chew up.  Without Mace and Ghoa Cart’s proclivity not to mow grass, it eventually became overgrown.

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  17

 

EXCERPT:  Well, you have to understand where all this rage came from, one tinker little thing with all those lost boys, and they weren’t tiny like her.  She had to make herself known, heard, paid attention to, and of course, there was the other thing.

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  19

 

EXCERPT:  And the Cat in the Hat’s hat, stolen when the Cat was getting his pussy shaved.  (Huh?) (He had children who had dermatitis) 

The Jolly Green Giant’s thong, aye, it stank of peas.

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  18

 

EXCERPT:  On day the supermarket got new orange juice machines, and the bag boy was really excited and asked the manager if he could work the juice machines.  ‘Can I work the orange juice machines?’  The manager said no, ‘No! Nit” Nuhuh!’

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  22

 

EXCERPT:  Bear storied, “Because of the huge numbers of Fairy Godmothers and withces and warlocks and wizards and mages and anyone who visited internet Wicca sites, the territories around Camelot had far too many fellas turned into frogs, and aye, some were Princes and some were not.  No one had a definitive way to tell.

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  21

 

EXCERPT:  Gail Storm sashayed over to Hughe and noted, “A dog that gave birth to puppies near the road was cited for littering.”  There it was, the call of wrestling the magic slippery eel pulled, you know the, solo marathon, waving the big Buick, slapping the purple-headed yogurt pistol, varnishing the flagpole, stroking the one-eyed burping red-headed gecko...

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  20

 

EXCERPT:  Momma Bear was hanging over the fence after hanging out her delicates to dry.  She did this every other first week of each month and, well, it attracted onlookers.  This day Rupert the Bear was crouching behind a lilac bush stealing a peek at her undies.  Witch Stick Snitch Prick was scolding the bear, “That is very naughty of you.”

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  26

 

EXCERPT:  These stories of Mad Cow were exaggerated, the word diseased got added and all brought apt concern to the land.  A few went vegetarian, one vegan but most remained omnivores with kitten their delicacy of choice. 

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  25

 

EXCERPT:  Sal Minella had her own public broadcast cooking show.  It was on in the background.  She tried to share European Cuisines but basically she was a fry cook by trade and experience.  “Peel the escargot first.  Remember, those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.”

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  24

 

EXCERPT:  Ginger Rayl, whereas she was one of the most attractive lasses in all the land, was far from a successful barwench.  Aye, she dressed provocatively which alone should have got her beaucoup tips, but alas, flaunting did not clover up that she had a pissy personality. 

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  23

 

EXCERPT:  But the physiology of the female’s bodies suggested that part of the male physiology was indeed fun to have.  What did we mean?  About the male physiology?  What specific physiology?  That would be, da… da… da… daaaaaaaa… the Foo-dilly stick.  We clear?

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  27

 

EXCERPT:  “Nay.  But I have one more story which I call Murder at Walmart.  Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.  Yeouch!  A friend of a friend put him in touch with a nefarious...

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  28

 

EXCERPT:  Robin Hood and his Merry Men were in Sherwood Forest one night celebrating, and imbibing.  They all became inebriated and then Friar Tuck began to sing.  He became louder with each drink.  Robin Hood, fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear the band, dragged the Frair deep into the woods.  He then tucked him into the river but the song...

TITLE:  FEGHOOTS OUT AND ABOUT HAMLET  29

 

EXCERPT:  “I had a tough day.  I rushed in a panic into my busy doctor’s office and shouted, ‘Doctor!  I think I’m shrinking!’  The doctor calmly responded, ‘Now, settle down.  You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

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Little Books Parody